February 28th, a date that will forever hold a
special place in my heart. February 28th was my due date. Yup, I was
supposed to be bringing life into the world today. But, God had other plans for
us.
Below is my story. My story of the hardest thing I’ve ever
been through in my entire life. My story will include almost every detail. My hope is that these details help other women
in their journey through life after a miscarriage. There were many blogs, and
forums that gave me support through mine, so this is me giving back. Again,
there will be a lot of details in this post, fair warning. I’ve starred the details below, so if you want
to skip to how I am doing now, you can!
Hubbs and I went on a cruise with his family to Alaska the
earlier part of June 2012. When we got back, I realized I had packed an entire
box of tampons, knowing auntie flow would be visiting me sometime on the
cruise. The day after I got back from the cruise, I was unpacking and realized I
didn’t use a sing tampon. My heart sank. No way. (side note: we had just
stopped all forms of birth control the month before) There is no way this
happened the first time.
Sure as s***, I took a test and it said “pregnant.” I didn’t
know what to think. I was excited, yet scared. I thought for sure it would take
6 months- year to get pregnant, were we really ready for this? I ran downstairs
almost in tears to tell hubbs, and he was in utter shock. Ha! We spent the next
few minutes trying to rationalize what we were about to go through. We both
thought/said, if it happened this quick, it is meant to be.
********************************************************
The next day, we were excited. We started talking about everything
baby. We were pumped. I made an appointment with my OBGYN for my 7/8 week
appointment. Fast forward to that appointment. I went in fearful. I had had
zero systems except for my boob sometimes hurting and major mood swings. (this
was during the summer Olympics and to just give you an insight to my mood
swings, hubbs told me the outcome to one of the big swimming races and he ended
up getting a remote thrown at him, my mood swings were u-g-l-y)
Back to my appointment, I was almost in tears going in
there, because I was so scared, almost like I knew something wasn’t right. But
we went into the ultrasound room, heart that beautiful sound that is the heart
beat and left with a few pictures. It was now real. The only thing that
concerned me, was they kept asking me, are
you sure your last period was May 20? And that I went in there for my 9
week appointment and they told me I was really 7.
Now I am in my 9th week, walking into my doctors office,
freaking out about my spotting. Yes, I had read that spotting and cramping
could be completely normal, but something just told me. So, I go in, have another
ultrasound, still a great heart beat, but they found a subchorionic hematoma. A
blood clot. (which I later found out well after my miscarriage, typically means
the baby is pulling away, but not in all cases) Mine was super small, and I was
told 50% of pregnancies have these and they mean nothing, and can be caused by
the baby implanting itself. So I left relieved. And with more pictures!
A week and a half later, one of my best friends had her
first baby (this one came after two miscarriages herself). I went to the
hospital to see this beautiful baby before I left for a work trip. When I got
home to leave for my trip, my spotting had turned red, and I went into a full
on panic. Crying, couldn’t breathe. My sweet, sweet husband had to call the
after hours line to my doctor, since this was on a Saturday. The on call doctor
called me back and told me 50% of pregnancies bleed and unless it was more than
filling a pad (yuck) an hour, not to worry. I got off the phone still worried.
Adam looked at me and said, if you want to go to the emergency room just to
make yourself feel better before you go, let’s do it. So off we went.
The ER got me right in, did a pelvic exam and said “well
your cervix is closed, you’re not having a miscarriage, lets do an ultra sound
and see what’s going on.” So off we went to radiology. (this whole process at
the ER was about 5 hours. I was wheeled back, met the ultrasound tech, she
lubed up my belly and started looking around. After that she wouldn’t look me
in the eye or say a word to either of us. Not –one- word.
We went back to our hospital room, and the doctor came in.
She asked me “you said you heard the heart beat at the beginning of last week?”
I answered her “yes” and she looked at both of us and said “I’m so sorry to
tell you this but there is no longer a heart beat” Bless this lady’s heart, she
now had two 29 year olds in tears in her ER. But she was helpful and sweet. She
gave me two options. I could do a D&C or I could let the baby natural evacuate
my body.
Now, this is why I am sure God gave me anxiety, so I would always
be prepared. I already knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it naturally. After
reading stories from forums and blogs, I had weighed my options and had known
in the back on my mind what I would do if this happened to me. I am not a huge
fan of surgery in the first place, and going under either. So, the doctor sent
us home with pain meds and instructions.
Before I left, I turned to her and said “This might be a
really weird question, but what do I do with it when it comes out?” her
response “You just flush it.” I must had looked horrified, because she then
said “don’t worry, it will be so small.”
Every time I went to the bathroom, I thought, is that it?
and thought, yes, that must be it! Until 7pm, when I felt it drop. I ran to the
bathroom and yes, in fact it was over. And it was not as small as I thought it
would be. And yes, I did what the doctor told me.
The next few weeks were hell. I couldn’t stop crying and hating
myself for flushing my baby down the toilet. Every time I would flush a toilet I
would cry and cry and cry.
*******************************************************************
I have since healed from this experience, with lots of
support from friends, strangers and doctors that have been there and done this.
Miscarriages aren’t talked about a lot. But it happens in
one in four pregnancy that women know of. It happens to about half of all
pregnancies, this percentage comes from the women who never know and just think
they got a late period.
As much as I thought I was prepared for what I was going to
experience, I wasn’t. Nothing can prepare you for a miscarriage, no matter how
you do it.
I am a big believer in finding the silver lining in
everything, like I’ve mentioned before. This experience made my husband and I
closer than I ever thought possible. It made me appreciate life, and pregnancy.
The next time around, I will know there is no sense in worrying. There is
nothing I, or anyone else can do to prevent it. The next time around I will
value my pregnancy and remember everyday how valuable life is. The next time
around, I will be present and take my life day by day.
My miscarriage taught me not to take a single day for granted.
To be happy, every day, and to appreciate everything and everyone I have in
life.
I hope this reaches someone or anyone who might be going
through the healing process from a miscarriage. I understand what you
feel. I know what you are experiencing. It’s
awful. And NO words from anyone will ever make it better. You will hear
everything, but nothing will help. I know.
Know that God, or whoever you believe in, has a plan, and it’s usually
the right one.
If you have any questions or need support from a stranger, I
would be happy to be that stranger. You can contact me at TheLawsNest@gmail.com.
Happy day and lots of love,
-b
.PNG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
