28 February 2013

{February 28}

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February 28th, a date that will forever hold a special place in my heart. February 28th was my due date. Yup, I was supposed to be bringing life into the world today. But, God had other plans for us.
Below is my story. My story of the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life. My story will include almost every detail.  My hope is that these details help other women in their journey through life after a miscarriage. There were many blogs, and forums that gave me support through mine, so this is me giving back. Again, there will be a lot of details in this post, fair warning.  I’ve starred the details below, so if you want to skip to how I am doing now, you can!
Hubbs and I went on a cruise with his family to Alaska the earlier part of June 2012. When we got back, I realized I had packed an entire box of tampons, knowing auntie flow would be visiting me sometime on the cruise. The day after I got back from the cruise, I was unpacking and realized I didn’t use a sing tampon. My heart sank. No way. (side note: we had just stopped all forms of birth control the month before) There is no way this happened the first time.
Sure as s***, I took a test and it said “pregnant.” I didn’t know what to think. I was excited, yet scared. I thought for sure it would take 6 months- year to get pregnant, were we really ready for this? I ran downstairs almost in tears to tell hubbs, and he was in utter shock. Ha! We spent the next few minutes trying to rationalize what we were about to go through. We both thought/said, if it happened this quick, it is meant to be.
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The next day, we were excited. We started talking about everything baby. We were pumped. I made an appointment with my OBGYN for my 7/8 week appointment. Fast forward to that appointment. I went in fearful. I had had zero systems except for my boob sometimes hurting and major mood swings. (this was during the summer Olympics and to just give you an insight to my mood swings, hubbs told me the outcome to one of the big swimming races and he ended up getting a remote thrown at him, my mood swings were u-g-l-y)
Back to my appointment, I was almost in tears going in there, because I was so scared, almost like I knew something wasn’t right. But we went into the ultrasound room, heart that beautiful sound that is the heart beat and left with a few pictures. It was now real. The only thing that concerned me, was they kept asking me, are you sure your last period was May 20? And that I went in there for my 9 week appointment and they told me I was really 7.
 I, of course, went home and researched all about measuring small on an ultra sound and of course, most things that came up were “signs of a future miscarriage.” Being the epitome of anxiety that I am, I then researched everything miscarriage. I read about when people miscarried, how they knew they were, and how they miscarried( natural or D&C). I decided then to shut the computer and start writing in my journal. (one of my anxiety coping mechanisms)
 For the next few weeks, everything was fine, besides some cramping I experienced the entire portion of this pregnancy and a little bit of spotting here and there.  The spotting got a bit heavier so I made a call to my doctor and they got in me in right away.
Now I am in my 9th week, walking into my doctors office, freaking out about my spotting. Yes, I had read that spotting and cramping could be completely normal, but something just told me. So, I go in, have another ultrasound, still a great heart beat, but they found a subchorionic hematoma. A blood clot. (which I later found out well after my miscarriage, typically means the baby is pulling away, but not in all cases) Mine was super small, and I was told 50% of pregnancies have these and they mean nothing, and can be caused by the baby implanting itself. So I left relieved. And with more pictures!
A week and a half later, one of my best friends had her first baby (this one came after two miscarriages herself). I went to the hospital to see this beautiful baby before I left for a work trip. When I got home to leave for my trip, my spotting had turned red, and I went into a full on panic. Crying, couldn’t breathe. My sweet, sweet husband had to call the after hours line to my doctor, since this was on a Saturday. The on call doctor called me back and told me 50% of pregnancies bleed and unless it was more than filling a pad (yuck) an hour, not to worry. I got off the phone still worried. Adam looked at me and said, if you want to go to the emergency room just to make yourself feel better before you go, let’s do it. So off we went.
The ER got me right in, did a pelvic exam and said “well your cervix is closed, you’re not having a miscarriage, lets do an ultra sound and see what’s going on.” So off we went to radiology. (this whole process at the ER was about 5 hours. I was wheeled back, met the ultrasound tech, she lubed up my belly and started looking around. After that she wouldn’t look me in the eye or say a word to either of us. Not –one- word.
We went back to our hospital room, and the doctor came in. She asked me “you said you heard the heart beat at the beginning of last week?” I answered her “yes” and she looked at both of us and said “I’m so sorry to tell you this but there is no longer a heart beat” Bless this lady’s heart, she now had two 29 year olds in tears in her ER. But she was helpful and sweet. She gave me two options. I could do a D&C or I could let the baby natural evacuate my body.
Now, this is why I am sure God gave me anxiety, so I would always be prepared. I already knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it naturally. After reading stories from forums and blogs, I had weighed my options and had known in the back on my mind what I would do if this happened to me. I am not a huge fan of surgery in the first place, and going under either. So, the doctor sent us home with pain meds and instructions.
Before I left, I turned to her and said “This might be a really weird question, but what do I do with it when it comes out?” her response “You just flush it.” I must had looked horrified, because she then said “don’t worry, it will be so small.”
 At home, I never took meds, for that day and night, I thought it was relatively easy. I was wrong. Around 3pm Sunday, I started feeling a lot of pain. So I jumped in the shower, which usually helps me when I am crampy or sick. 5 minutes later I was screaming for Adam to come up stairs. I couldn’t get off the floor of the shower. This was the worst pain I had ever felt. He brought up my pain meds and water and downed them. The next 30 minutes were torture. After my meds kicked in , I felt numb.  Let me preface  by saying my pain meds equaled a thousand mgs of Vicodin. Yes, I was numb, physically and emotionally.
Every time I went to the bathroom, I thought, is that it? and thought, yes, that must be it! Until 7pm, when I felt it drop. I ran to the bathroom and yes, in fact it was over. And it was not as small as I thought it would be. And yes, I did what the doctor told me.
The next few weeks were hell. I couldn’t stop crying and hating myself for flushing my baby down the toilet. Every time I would flush a toilet I would cry and cry and cry.
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I have since healed from this experience, with lots of support from friends, strangers and doctors that have been there and done this.
Miscarriages aren’t talked about a lot. But it happens in one in four pregnancy that women know of. It happens to about half of all pregnancies, this percentage comes from the women who never know and just think they got a late period.
As much as I thought I was prepared for what I was going to experience, I wasn’t. Nothing can prepare you for a miscarriage, no matter how you do it.
I am a big believer in finding the silver lining in everything, like I’ve mentioned before. This experience made my husband and I closer than I ever thought possible. It made me appreciate life, and pregnancy. The next time around, I will know there is no sense in worrying. There is nothing I, or anyone else can do to prevent it. The next time around I will value my pregnancy and remember everyday how valuable life is. The next time around, I will be present and take my life day by day.
My miscarriage taught me not to take a single day for granted. To be happy, every day, and to appreciate everything and everyone I have in life.
I hope this reaches someone or anyone who might be going through the healing process from a miscarriage. I understand what you feel.  I know what you are experiencing. It’s awful. And NO words from anyone will ever make it better. You will hear everything, but nothing will help. I know.  Know that God, or whoever you believe in, has a plan, and it’s usually the right one.
If you have any questions or need support from a stranger, I would be happy to be that stranger. You can contact me at TheLawsNest@gmail.com.
Happy day and lots of love,
-b


8 comments:

  1. I am in tears reading your story. I can identify with this exactly. We were told at our 10 week appointment after we'd seen the baby 3 days before that there wasn't a heartbeat. My baby, Lauren, would have been 1 on February 19. No one should ever have to go through this pain. I am thinking about you and praying for you. You WILL make a wonderful mom and one day YOU WILL BE A MOM.

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    1. Thank you Caroline! And thank you for your guidance for this post:) xo OBIC

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  2. love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and proud of you.

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    1. Love you too! And thank you for being my other rock through this. Xo

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  3. Reading this brought tears to my eyes! I am so sorry sweet girl for your loss! I am so proud of you though for being able to talk about it & I hope that by talking it makes it a little easier in some way..

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  4. A Friend at the Blog, Take Joy in the Journey - recently went through the same thing & has been able to blog about it.

    So sorry you had to go through this. Thanks for being strong enough to share.

    Love,
    Manda from Eat Cake

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  5. I'm here from Friday's Letters, but I just wanted to say I'm so proud of you for posting this...for whatever it's worth. I personally have never experienced a miscarriage, but for every women who has my heart aches a little bit for them. I know that this will have touched or helped one person!

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  6. I'm heartbroken for you! It's too much for words! I had no idea you went through this and I'm sending lots of love and prayers your way. xoxo <>

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