28 February 2013

{February 28}

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February 28th, a date that will forever hold a special place in my heart. February 28th was my due date. Yup, I was supposed to be bringing life into the world today. But, God had other plans for us.
Below is my story. My story of the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life. My story will include almost every detail.  My hope is that these details help other women in their journey through life after a miscarriage. There were many blogs, and forums that gave me support through mine, so this is me giving back. Again, there will be a lot of details in this post, fair warning.  I’ve starred the details below, so if you want to skip to how I am doing now, you can!
Hubbs and I went on a cruise with his family to Alaska the earlier part of June 2012. When we got back, I realized I had packed an entire box of tampons, knowing auntie flow would be visiting me sometime on the cruise. The day after I got back from the cruise, I was unpacking and realized I didn’t use a sing tampon. My heart sank. No way. (side note: we had just stopped all forms of birth control the month before) There is no way this happened the first time.
Sure as s***, I took a test and it said “pregnant.” I didn’t know what to think. I was excited, yet scared. I thought for sure it would take 6 months- year to get pregnant, were we really ready for this? I ran downstairs almost in tears to tell hubbs, and he was in utter shock. Ha! We spent the next few minutes trying to rationalize what we were about to go through. We both thought/said, if it happened this quick, it is meant to be.
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The next day, we were excited. We started talking about everything baby. We were pumped. I made an appointment with my OBGYN for my 7/8 week appointment. Fast forward to that appointment. I went in fearful. I had had zero systems except for my boob sometimes hurting and major mood swings. (this was during the summer Olympics and to just give you an insight to my mood swings, hubbs told me the outcome to one of the big swimming races and he ended up getting a remote thrown at him, my mood swings were u-g-l-y)
Back to my appointment, I was almost in tears going in there, because I was so scared, almost like I knew something wasn’t right. But we went into the ultrasound room, heart that beautiful sound that is the heart beat and left with a few pictures. It was now real. The only thing that concerned me, was they kept asking me, are you sure your last period was May 20? And that I went in there for my 9 week appointment and they told me I was really 7.
 I, of course, went home and researched all about measuring small on an ultra sound and of course, most things that came up were “signs of a future miscarriage.” Being the epitome of anxiety that I am, I then researched everything miscarriage. I read about when people miscarried, how they knew they were, and how they miscarried( natural or D&C). I decided then to shut the computer and start writing in my journal. (one of my anxiety coping mechanisms)
 For the next few weeks, everything was fine, besides some cramping I experienced the entire portion of this pregnancy and a little bit of spotting here and there.  The spotting got a bit heavier so I made a call to my doctor and they got in me in right away.
Now I am in my 9th week, walking into my doctors office, freaking out about my spotting. Yes, I had read that spotting and cramping could be completely normal, but something just told me. So, I go in, have another ultrasound, still a great heart beat, but they found a subchorionic hematoma. A blood clot. (which I later found out well after my miscarriage, typically means the baby is pulling away, but not in all cases) Mine was super small, and I was told 50% of pregnancies have these and they mean nothing, and can be caused by the baby implanting itself. So I left relieved. And with more pictures!
A week and a half later, one of my best friends had her first baby (this one came after two miscarriages herself). I went to the hospital to see this beautiful baby before I left for a work trip. When I got home to leave for my trip, my spotting had turned red, and I went into a full on panic. Crying, couldn’t breathe. My sweet, sweet husband had to call the after hours line to my doctor, since this was on a Saturday. The on call doctor called me back and told me 50% of pregnancies bleed and unless it was more than filling a pad (yuck) an hour, not to worry. I got off the phone still worried. Adam looked at me and said, if you want to go to the emergency room just to make yourself feel better before you go, let’s do it. So off we went.
The ER got me right in, did a pelvic exam and said “well your cervix is closed, you’re not having a miscarriage, lets do an ultra sound and see what’s going on.” So off we went to radiology. (this whole process at the ER was about 5 hours. I was wheeled back, met the ultrasound tech, she lubed up my belly and started looking around. After that she wouldn’t look me in the eye or say a word to either of us. Not –one- word.
We went back to our hospital room, and the doctor came in. She asked me “you said you heard the heart beat at the beginning of last week?” I answered her “yes” and she looked at both of us and said “I’m so sorry to tell you this but there is no longer a heart beat” Bless this lady’s heart, she now had two 29 year olds in tears in her ER. But she was helpful and sweet. She gave me two options. I could do a D&C or I could let the baby natural evacuate my body.
Now, this is why I am sure God gave me anxiety, so I would always be prepared. I already knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it naturally. After reading stories from forums and blogs, I had weighed my options and had known in the back on my mind what I would do if this happened to me. I am not a huge fan of surgery in the first place, and going under either. So, the doctor sent us home with pain meds and instructions.
Before I left, I turned to her and said “This might be a really weird question, but what do I do with it when it comes out?” her response “You just flush it.” I must had looked horrified, because she then said “don’t worry, it will be so small.”
 At home, I never took meds, for that day and night, I thought it was relatively easy. I was wrong. Around 3pm Sunday, I started feeling a lot of pain. So I jumped in the shower, which usually helps me when I am crampy or sick. 5 minutes later I was screaming for Adam to come up stairs. I couldn’t get off the floor of the shower. This was the worst pain I had ever felt. He brought up my pain meds and water and downed them. The next 30 minutes were torture. After my meds kicked in , I felt numb.  Let me preface  by saying my pain meds equaled a thousand mgs of Vicodin. Yes, I was numb, physically and emotionally.
Every time I went to the bathroom, I thought, is that it? and thought, yes, that must be it! Until 7pm, when I felt it drop. I ran to the bathroom and yes, in fact it was over. And it was not as small as I thought it would be. And yes, I did what the doctor told me.
The next few weeks were hell. I couldn’t stop crying and hating myself for flushing my baby down the toilet. Every time I would flush a toilet I would cry and cry and cry.
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I have since healed from this experience, with lots of support from friends, strangers and doctors that have been there and done this.
Miscarriages aren’t talked about a lot. But it happens in one in four pregnancy that women know of. It happens to about half of all pregnancies, this percentage comes from the women who never know and just think they got a late period.
As much as I thought I was prepared for what I was going to experience, I wasn’t. Nothing can prepare you for a miscarriage, no matter how you do it.
I am a big believer in finding the silver lining in everything, like I’ve mentioned before. This experience made my husband and I closer than I ever thought possible. It made me appreciate life, and pregnancy. The next time around, I will know there is no sense in worrying. There is nothing I, or anyone else can do to prevent it. The next time around I will value my pregnancy and remember everyday how valuable life is. The next time around, I will be present and take my life day by day.
My miscarriage taught me not to take a single day for granted. To be happy, every day, and to appreciate everything and everyone I have in life.
I hope this reaches someone or anyone who might be going through the healing process from a miscarriage. I understand what you feel.  I know what you are experiencing. It’s awful. And NO words from anyone will ever make it better. You will hear everything, but nothing will help. I know.  Know that God, or whoever you believe in, has a plan, and it’s usually the right one.
If you have any questions or need support from a stranger, I would be happy to be that stranger. You can contact me at TheLawsNest@gmail.com.
Happy day and lots of love,
-b


27 February 2013

So What




 
So What Wednesday
 
 
So What IF....
 
- I ate my weight in bread, hummus and veggies this week at the show
- I never worked out once, like I planned
- I am taking the late flight home just to be able to sleep in my own bed tonight
-I haven't blogged in almost 2 weeks
- Tonight when I get home, I lay my suitcase down and don't touch it until next week, or until my next trip in 3 weeks
- I bought myself something as a reward for being half way there.
- I went to bed at 9pm last night
-I packed an outfit for every night this week, and only changed once.
 
What are you saying So what?! to this week?
 
will be blogging again soon, I promise,
 
-b
 
linkingup with Shannon from Life After I "Dew" for So What Wednesday


15 February 2013

Friday's Letters

 



beis: looking forward to our date night on Saturday night. Excited for April/May when our schedules both slow down. Thank you once again for being my rock this week. I realize how important a strong, supportive love is when you go through an incredible loss. i love you.
 
biggie: i still can't believe you were taken from us. Every time someone posts a picture of you or a story about you, I think to myself "this didn't' happen, this happens to other people's friends." I keep looking through our e-mails and text messages and missing you. I hope you've caught up with your Momma. Your soon to be niece, Addison, is lucky to come into this world and already have two guardian angels with her at all times. i love you.  (P.S. the article the paper did on you is great :))
 
2nd quarter: GET HERE!!!!!
 
Leah: loved our date this week, as always. Avery is getting so big, I can't believe it!
 
Lightning: step it up. to go from 6-1 to 6-6-1 is awful, LET'S GO!
 
Ashley : I am so over the moon for you and your husband! Thank you for your sweet e-mail this week full advice and support for a blog post.
 
Workouts: I was dreading getting back into you again, but now, almost 2 months later, I am so happy I did, and now remember why you're so important to me.
 
 
happy friday everyone!
 
-b
 
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linkingup with Ashley from the Sweet Season for Friday's Letters


14 February 2013

L.O.V.E.

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Earlier last week, I did a quick post about being exactly where you are supposed to be. I often think about everything I've been through and everywhere I've been in life. Its therapeutic for my anxiety and it helps put everything into perspective and makes me happy for everything I've ever done.
I had one of these moments last week while my Pandora played in the background while I worked. I heard a song off Carrie Underwood's new album called "Good In Good-Bye". It took me back to all the relationships I begged God to make work and make whole again. And then I started laughing. Looking back if any of those wishes had been granted, I would be in a different place today, a place I wouldn't be happy in. 
here are part of the lyrics: (and here is a sound clip while you follow along)
 
As bad as it was
As bad as it hurts
I thank God I didn't get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you're holding onto someone that you gotta let go
Someday you'll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes
There's good in goodbye

 
I could not have married anyone more perfect for me. Seriously. I know it sounds cliche, but Adam is my perfect balance. Not saying everything is always rainbows and butterflies, marriages are works of art. Every day we learn more about each other and better ways to grow our marriage.
On this Valentine's day I appreciate the love that has happened in my world. And I thank God that I am right where I am supposed to be, because I couldn't be happier. I thank life for all the good-bye's I hated and didn't understand at the time. I get it now. I get it.
And of course an enormous thank you to my husband, who makes growing and perfecting our nest everyday, so much fun and full of love.
I love you to the moon and back again.

Love, Love, Love,
-b



13 February 2013

Oh, how pinteresting!

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happy hump day!
 
-b
 
Linking up with Michelle from The Vintage Apple for Oh How Pinteresting!
 
 
 

11 February 2013

A Letter to Biggie

 
 
 
Tiff,
            Our relationship is very hard to understand from the outside. “Your big?”, people say. “But you’re in two different sororities”. Yes, it must be hard to understand. But not to me and you.
 I will never forget my bid day. After all of us rushees had gone to our “houses” we all were out on the lawn behind the Marshall Center, when I spotted you from afar and you spotted me. We ran up to each other in tears, and I apologized to you for not going Tri-Delta. You quickly told me to stop apologizing and that you were so happy for me (even through tears). You then told me you wouldn’t be taking a little that year, because you had your heart set on me. The day after I got initiated, you showed up to our Sunday Chapter meeting with a basket full of A D Pi gifts for me.  I looked at you and said “what’s this for” and you replied with a huge smile, “ I told you, you’re my little, no matter what sisterhood you’re a part of.”
Since that day on the lawn our bond has been something special. We broke down a few barriers between our sororities and encouraged friendships across those lines. I have learned so much from you on what it means to be a great woman. You were the greatest role model I could have in college.
When I received your first e-mail a month ago, I went into a full on panic. Cancer? You? Then I thought to myself, if anyone can beat this its Tiff. Your positive attitude and outlook on life is like no one I know. People immediately fall into great moods when in your presence. Your zest for life is contagious.
I went into shock yesterday when I found out you had passed in the middle of the night. Your e-mails lately have been so positive about your treatment that I had moved my anxiety and worry about you from the front of my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I still thought about you many times a day and had communication with you almost every day. I cried for hours, and am still off and on. This isn’t fair. But I also know what you would say right about now… “ Little one, will you stop. I’m happy and healthy.”
I will think of you every day and carry the enormous love you’ve shown me for 11 years, with me. I know you are probably catching up with and in the loving arms of your momma. I am forever grateful for you.  I love you so much biggie.
In my heart always,
Little one.
 
"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others is what we leave as impact...And that remains and is forever immortal"


08 February 2013

friday's letters



hubby - - sorry i'm a grouch. that's all. i love you.
 
Campbell -- i am so happy your allergy testing is done and went well. Hopefully your shots kick in soon and that whole up itching all night thing stops. Before mommy permanently moves into the guestroom.
 
spring/2nd quarter -- please get here quickly, I'm fading fast.
 
beach -- can't wait to be with you again tomorrow
 
sister-- I love our daily talks, but I miss you like crazy
 
brother -- I know you are just finishing up your second year of med-school but thank you for being my go-to when I feel like I'm dying. You are just what I need to put me back into the right mindset and put my hypochondria at bay.
 
people.com, blogs, and anything news/gossip -- i miss you. I'm not even sure what is going on in the world?! Hubby just informed me there will be no more mail on Saturday. I look forward to catching up on you in 2 weeks, maybe.
 
new pillow -- i thought you would be magical last night but it turns out, I'm still not sleeping good. You are now a filler and I am moving on to a new pillow. Yes, you were my first one night stand.
 
happy friday everyone!
here is to a good weekend and maybe a few minutes to relax!
 
praying for spring,
-b
*linking up with Ashley for Friday's Letters*
 
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07 February 2013

saw it. pinnedit. did it.

 
 
Good Thursday morning chickens!
This is my first week participating in Saw it, Pinned it, Did it! I did this a while ago, but since I wanted to participate and haven't had the time to DIY in weeks, I though I would share one of the very first DIY projects my husband and I did when we moved into our new home.
 
We had actually bought this bed (same in the picture below) and had a hard time finding nightstands to go with it. One of the very first blogs I ever followed, the couple did this Ikea hack. I was hooked and went out that day to buy all of our supplies!
 
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Here is ours. . .

 
 
 
 
 

 
Instead of doing the round, pull knobs, I opted for our knobs from Anthropologie. These are the version they have now, ours dont have the blue dots.
 
 
We love our nightstands, and feel we will be able to use them for awhile as they can pretty much go with all the decor in our home. But these and these are dreamy too, and I would totally use on these nightstands.
 
 
xxoo
-b
 
 
 
 
 
Linking up with Stephanie from Beautiful Mess and Katie at Keep Calm & Carry On for:
 
Saw it. Pinned it. Did it.

06 February 2013

for hubby

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I'm not a huge Valentine's Day person. But there is something about the hearts, red, pink, and sugar that just gets me giddy about my man, So, I decided, since we usually don't do much for the 14th, to do a few little things for A, to let him know how much I appreciate him.
 
This weekend I got a bunch of his favorite candy, and small things he needs in his desk during season.(If I haven't mentioned it, hubby works for the Tampa Bay Lightning hockey team) I put it in a cute bag, and had it waiting for him on the entryway table on Monday morning before he left for work. I put a card in it to say thank you for waking up every morning, and going to work to support our family. I remember what it was like to get up every morning, have to sit in traffic and be in an office all day. (i now work from home) So I wanted to let him know he was appreciated.
Here is the bag and some of it's contents...



And although Valentine's day isn't huge in our house, it doesn't mean I don't decorate our mantle for it! Here is what it looks like right now...


do you have big plans for the national day of love?
share them!

-b
 

05 February 2013

back to center

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I saw this on Pinterest awhile ago, and saved it. When I need a little pick me up or some inner confidence, it goes on one of my boards. To get this week started, I needed a little lift and stumbled across this again. It puts everything you are going to into perspective, at least for me. When I think about what I am dealing with now in everyday life and why I am the one dealing with it, something like this brings me back to center.
 
Did anyone else need this this week?
come back to center.
 
-b

04 February 2013

20/30 - friends


 
20/30
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We spend most of our teens and early twenties gathering all sorts of friends, and lots of them. We always feel the need to say "yeah, I'm friends with her/him".  Feel the need when something happens to someone to be able to say "I'm friends with them", to feel like we have a sense of entitlement to their situation. We have friends we keep to fall back on if someone in our regular group is mad at us, or we're fighting with one of our close friends. We have friends that are on our sports teams, friends from our sorority, friends from the dorm, friends from class, but how many of these friends are actual "true" friends?

I have seen so many friends come and go. Some by choice, some not. But I have spent the later part of my twenties figuring out who my true, good friends are. I've met most of these close friends after college, believe it or not. I've come to learn that you don't need to be friends with someone for 5 or 10 or 15 years to have them be one of your best friends. Later in life you become friends with people quicker as you know what you look for in friends and they know what they want in a friend. No one is still finding themselves or figuring out who they are and what they want.

Great/best friends, never talk about each other....to anyone. Best friends keep secrets and want the best for each other, even if what you want for them, you don't have yet yourself. Their is no jealousy in true friendships.

This is going to sound completely backwards, but I actually did a lot of my "friend soul searching" after being around my younger sister and her friends, on her bachelorette weekend. I was almost jealous of the relationship they all have with each other. They all showed up. Did whatever they could to get there. They loved on each other every second they were together. There was something different about this group. They were all true friends. The kinds you read about in books, watch in movies and dream your friends will be like when you're younger.

I've learned in my soul searching through this transition from my twenties to thirties, that it doesn't matter how many friends you have. Its the amazing relationship(s) you share with one or a few friends.

I've met most of my newest/closest friends through work (even though we don't see each other everyday), through my husband (his friends have some awesome wives) and ones I've rekindled/kept from my past. The friendships I've kept along the way are not the same relationships they are when they started. There is more love, and respect in the grown up friendship.
 When the stupid, little things don't matter, and you're concentrated on your own quality of life, you'll be surprised who you attract for friends and how amazing they can be.

monday, monday, we meet again.....
make it a good week chickens!

-b
"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy."
 


01 February 2013

friday's letters


 
beis - - thanks for being my rock. I love being home with you again. Can't wait for a lot of downtime this weekend. i love you.
 
campbell - - I am excited and nervous for you to get your allergy testing on saturday. I know it will only help you but you going under makes me very nervous.
 
weather - - you have benn beautiful, stay awhile.
 
body - - buck up!
 
february - - hello! you are one of my favorite months, and I'm happy your here.
 
the fresh 20 - - thank you for the thousandth time for making my life a little easier.
 
beach - - i need to spend a week with you.
 
raquel - - i miss you. thank you for my sweet gift that greeted me when I got home. it was just the surprise I needed.
 
spring/2nd quarter - - you can't get here quick enough.
 
happy friday everyone!
 
-b
 
linking up with Ashley from The Sweet Season for Friday's Letters.